Tales From The DJ Booth #11: You Turd!!!!!

Okay, a friend brought a burned CD with an Einsturzende Neaubaut song on it which he asked me to play. He's a good friend, and has cool taste in music, so I throw it on later....and it was abominable. The song was a piece of shit! The recording quality was terrible, and there was no discernible rhythm. It totally killed the dancefloor. Even HE wasn't out there! He came to the booth afterwards to get his CD and thanked me for playing it.
"The song isn't very dancie is it?" I ask him.
"Oh, it's TOTALLY undancible", he says.
"So.....then why did you ask me to play it?"
"I just wanted to hear how it would sound over the system"
He was fortunate that I didn't cram the DJ mic into his ear. He couldn't have brought the Fucking thing in early in the evening BEFORE people came in? Least to say, I haven't played any CD the oblivious, inconsiderate Turd has approached me with since.

Tales From The DJ Booth #10: Do You Know What You're Asking For?

Some people aren't fully aware of what entails a request. They know what they want to hear, but don't think about the consequences. For example: a fellow asked me once for Tear Gardens "You Me and Rainbows".
"Which part?" I ask. He becomes confused.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Dude", I smile "That song is over 15 minutes long"
"Oh, right" he realizes.
"So, should we play Part 1, Part 2 or Part 3?"
"I'm not sure"
"Well, Part 2 is the more dancie part", I recommend.
"Oh, okay. Play that one then." he suggests
"No problem, man", I say.
And the world was happy again.

Tales From The DJ Booth #9: What song is the one I can't remember?

A fellow approached me at Die Maschine and asked me 'What song was you were playing not before this one, nor the one before that one, nor the one before THAT one, but the song you played before That one! What was it?'
'uh... you mean what I played abouot 4 songs ago?' I ask.
'Yeah', he says.
'Do you remember how it went?' I ask, wishing he had asked while I had been playing it.
'Uh, I can't', he says.
'sorry , I can't remember it of off hand' I tell him.

Tales From The DJ Booth #8: Taken For Granted 2

Dus left a message on my machine asking me if I could make a compilation of a Cranes tunes for him. I will exchange music, so why not?
later, I get another message from him.

'I don't think I'll be able to make it to the bar this Friday. Could you just drop the CD off in my mailbox?'
I left him a message, 'Uh, I don't do deliveries. Howzabout you just come down to the night when you can?'
Bloody hell!!! I should have asked Dus if he wanted fries with that!!!

Tales From The DJ Booth # 7: Taken For Granted

Dus (pronounced DOOSH) is a name I have given to the person who is very silly. I will not use their real name, because sometimes Dus is a friend of mine and I will do him/her a favour by not revealing to everyone just how silly he/she is. But Dus will recognize themself when they read this. They will see the humour which their actions provide.

Let's begin with this one: Dus is very talented. He's a local musician and producer. he does wonderful things with his instruments. Very Good tunes in fact!!!
He emails me to because he knows I will play local CDs at the night, and he has a cd of some stuff he did which he asks if I would play.
'Absolutely!!!' I respond.
'Great' he replys, and then asks me for my address so that he can mail the CD to me.
Ahem. As I said, Dus is a LOCAL musician & producer.
'Actually', I write back 'It would be far better if you came down to the night and gave me the CD there. That way, you'd be saving the postage, and also be showing your support for the night which MAY or MAY NOT play
your music'.
'Point made,' Dus responds, 'See you Friday'.
I'm glad he realized his sillieness.....and his music is very good by the way.
A point I must make is I insist that if the Artist lives in the city, they should be coming down to the bar where they wish their music to be played.

Tales From The DJ Booth #6: "WHY ISN'T THIS KANSAS"

An obnoxious lady came to the booth with a peculiar request.
'Look', she says 'I know it's Goth Night. But it's my birthday and I've had a rough night. Can you please play some dance music?' She asked
during Covenants 'Dead Stars' and Combichrists 'Give head if you got it'.
'You .....don't consider this playing right now to be dance music?' I ask her.
She shakes her head and insists she wants 'Real' dance music and asks me for Timbaland (or did she say Timberlake? Whatever. Same shit).
I tell her we don't have it. She's surprised. 'You don't have Timbaland?' 'Sorry. Not tonight'
'How about Nelly then?'
'No'
'Do you have ANY dance music?' the annoying Harpie asks.
I show the creature our playlist with which she struggles to find something her hardwired top 40 Brain can handle.
'Nine Inch nails 'Closer'!!!!'
'Already played it'
'Well play it AGAIN!!!!'
'We don't play it twice.' I tell her, but she becomes a pain in the ass and spouts out stuff like 'I know the Manager!!! I've been coming here for YEARS!'
'I've been here since last year and I've never seen you here on a saturday 'til now', I tell her, 'But if you bring the manager here and have him tell me to play it, then I will'
The manager then came and the poor fellow was getting just as annoyed by her as us. As a favour to him (since she promised to leave us alone if we played it), I tell Rachel 'Play the Super Mario Mix'. and so we did.
Did I mention that the creature did state that she had earlier that evening been tossed out of some other bar? I wonder why I wasn't surprised by that?
What's astounding is that EVERY OTHER place in town would play Timbashit, but she insisted to hear it at OUR night. Bloody Hell, Coyotes was just down the road!!! Oh, but maybe that's
where she had just gotten booted out of before dragging her obnoxious ass to our doorstep.

Tales From The DJ Booth #5: "CAN I PLAY MC?"

A fellow comes to the booth requesting rap music. I play what we have in terms of it, such as Frontline Assembly "Victim of a Criminal" and Dopes rendition of "Fuck The Police". He asks then if I have any REAL rap. Like 50 Cent or Eminem.

"You know, where there's no guitars. Just vocals and a beat".
"Sorry", I tell him, "We don't have anything like that".
"Oh", he says and goes back to his table.
He then returns and suggests something:
"I've got a great idea!!! Put on a CD with a beat, and give me the mic and I'll rap over it! It'll be GREAT!!!"
"Uh, we don't do that on this night." I explain, "I think they might do that on Wednesdays. You can try then."
He then tells me about how much he wants to be a rapper and asks if he can show me his stuff right there.
"I'll do a rap for you right now!"
"Well, okay. Sure" and while I'm putting on the next song he goes into a 15 or 20 second rap for me about stuff like "Mutherfucker, I'll kill you in your cell", and stuff like that.
"What do you think?" he asks me.
"Sounds fine to me", I say. And off he goes.

I think I'll go to a Hip Hop club and ask them to put on something with Blast Beats so that I can scream over it. Or maybe they can play something REALLY slow and depressing that I can take the mic and read poetry over it?

Tales From The DJ Booth #4. "CAN I PLAY DJ?"

One night, at around 1 am, this fellow comes to the booth carrying a case full of vinyl. He tells me he had just finished spinning at another club and was asking if he could play a set.

"Uh...What kind of music do you have?" I ask very cautiously.
"House. But it's Spooky House" He assures me.
"Do you have a stylus?" I ask him. " I only use CDs and the other DJs here that use vinyl take their needles with them".
"Oh. You don't have one?"
"I don't use them. You can ask the bartender"
Off he went. Never saw him again.

Bloody unlikely I would have let him spin his House Shit.
And if I went to The Empire and asked "Can I play some Death Metal? Oh, and don't worry, it's DANCY Death Metal!!"

Dealer Evil Bastard #1

Okay, here's an interesting one. A group of three guys comes into the club early in the evening, and a guy from the group approaches the booth to request Nine Inch Nails "Fist Fuck". No problem.
Later he comes to ask if I have any Mr. Bungle. Cool. About two songs later I'm playing it, and while it's playing, the group gets up and leaves.

About 15 minutes later, they return. The guy comes to the booth to ask me if I've played the Bungle yet.
I look at him in disbelief.
That was what was playinig as you guys were getting up and leaving, I tell him.
Fuck, He says, I knew it!!!!
Well hey, I reply. And I shrug.
He goes back to the table.
He then returns and asks me if I have any meth.
I momentarily stunned. He can't possibly be asking me what I think he's asking. I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I've never heard of them, I say. What sort of music are they?
Oh not music, he replies, the stuff. Do you have any of the stuff?
I pause and stare at him.
I don't sell any meth here, I slowly inform him and add, What....makes you think I would?
Oh, hey. I'm sorry. I was just asking. I didn't mean to offend you, he says and goes back to his table. The table leaves about 15 minutes later.

Meth? Wrong scene, Dude. Now perhaps if he asked for Absinthe.

Bloody Hell!!! What the F*** kind of stuff was the previous Friday Night DJ involved in?
Although a Rave club further downtown was shut down months earlier after the DJ was busted for blatantly dealing E to the crowd (whatta PhukHead).

Confused Minds #2

One night, back in the early years of Die Maschine, a young lady comes to the booth with a CD and asks me to play tracks 8,9 and 10 consecutively.
I look at her with concern. She assures me itll be great and that I wouldnt be disappointed. She seemed really sincere, and she was a regular who seemed to know her music, so I reluctantly agreed, with full intention of ending the music if it sucked. So it goes:
I play track 8, and she & her friend are out there dancing ot it. Fair enough, but its just them. Track lasts about 4 or 5 minutes.
Track 9 comes on. Theyre still dancing, but only them. The rest of the bar is just sitting and drinking. By now, over 10 minutes have passed.
Track 10. 12 minutes have gone by and counting. Only them on the dance floor. A minute and 30 seconds into the song and I decided to fade it out.
There are other people in the bar besides these two, and I'm not going to ignore them any further just so that these ladies can indulge themselves.

After fading the song out (nearly 15 minutes have passed!!!!) the Girl who brought the CD comes to to the booth.
You cut it short!!! she exclaims in dissapointment.
I'm sorry, I tell her, But I've got other requests that people are waiting for.
Well, can you play track 9? she asks.
Im puzzled. You want to hear it again? I ask her.
Now she's puzzled. What do you mean? she asks.
I played track 8 and 9 and we were 2 minutes into 10 when I faded it out.
You played 9? she asks incredulously.
Yes, I assure her, and you WERE out there dancing to the whole song
Oh, she says. She's now confused.
I give back her CD. Uh, thanks she says, and off she goes to her confused and cloudy world.
Bloody well make sure you know WHAT it is that youre requesting!!!!!

Confused Minds #1

I've decided to share with you all some stories of a some of the, uh...people, I've encountered. You see, up here in the DJ Booth, you do meet some truly unique characters. Take for example this fellow:

He comes into the booth requesting track ONE (1) from a Download CD.
Certainly, I say.
20 minutes later, I play it.
It clears the floor. Even HE wont dance to it.
Later, he comes back to the booth.
Well, I say to him, I played the Download.
Yes, he acknowledges, But you didn't play the one I asked for.
I'm incredulous.
Yes, I did, I say.
No, you didn't, he replies.
Track 1, right? I ask.
Yes, he says.
That was the one I played, I say (now Im getting really pissed off).
No, you didn't, he insists.
Oh, bloody Hell!!! HERE!!!! I say, giving him the headphones which he puts on, and I put the CD in and play track 1.
He listens. A surprised look on his face. Oh, so you did play track 1.
That's what I told you!!!!
Then what was the track I was thinking of?
I'm sure when you remember you'll tell me.
He nods his head and turns to leave.
By the way, I call to him YOU'RE WELCOME!!!
He turns around with a confused look on his face.
Well, I DID play the track you asked for, didnt I? I say to him.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.

This same fellow would approach me years later at Wellingtons and ask me for Suicides Frankie Teardrop. If you know the song, then you know what a STUPID REQUEST it is to make in the middle of a busy night. He was obviously drunk.